God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Randomize
