I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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