end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
