Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
