I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
