my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
