you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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