I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
