Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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