my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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