I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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