i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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