Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
