i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
