you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
