I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
