tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
