Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My ATM looks so different sober.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
