My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
