come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
