I accidentally had phone sex last night
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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