I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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