I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
