New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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