She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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