it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
