So drunk its hurt
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
