i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
