I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
