Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
