that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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