I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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