DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
