Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
