I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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