the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
