I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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