Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
