I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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