We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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