I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
