between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
