im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize