Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
