Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
