Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
