I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
