Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
