I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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