Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
