foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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