She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'm really busy with my period
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