just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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