Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
