Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Randomize
