So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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