i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
