I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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