I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
