He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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